February 21, 2007

• Britney Spears: A Breakdown In Four Acts

  Act I: The Improvement

  After months of partying with the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, fallen pop star Britney Spears decides to check herself into rehab at Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre in Antigua. Here is a picture:

  

  Greek Chorus’ Note: As you can see, this rehab facility certainly deserves to be called a “centre” instead of just a “center”. No doubt because it has a pool out back instead of just fifty senior citizens playing Bingo or a gang of black youths learning to have respect for both themselves and others thanks to riveting games of chess and ping-pong. Samuel L. Jackson stars.

  Unfortunately though, the pool isn’t nearly enough to keep Britney from craving the attention of flash photography so she checks herself out less than 24 hours later and begins her journey back home to Los Angeles.

  From People:
  
  

  Carrying two small bags, Spears, 25, ran through Miami International Airport to catch her American Airlines flight. But when she arrived at the gate and handed her boarding pass to the ticket agent, she was informed that the walkway had been retracted from the plane and the flight was closed.

  “She was really upset,” says David Paulsen, a passenger at an adjoining gate. “She (said) to the agent, ‘I’ve got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.’ She looked like she was about to cry.”

  The ticket agent called the pilot and requested that Spears be allowed on the flight. She told the pilot, “‘I’ve got Britney Spears here and she wants to get on the plane,’” Paulson says. After a pause, the agent said, “‘No, I’m serious. Can we get her on the plane?’” A few seconds later, the agent smiled and nodded to Spears, and the walkway was extended again.

  Because the flight was nearly full, Spears had no available seat in first class. Instead, the singer took a seat in the last row of coach.

  Greek Chorus’ Note: Remember these words: “‘I’ve got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.” – because, apparently, one lives in a salon and the other in a tattoo parlor. Fucking spoiled brats.

  Act II: The Purification

  Once back in California, Britney then heads off in limo to Tarzana where she spends the next ten minutes sobbing outside of Esther’s Haircutting Studio before walking inside and asking salon owner Esther Tognozzi to shave her head. The hairdresser – being of sound mind – politely declines.

  From The Sun:
  
  

  Stunned salon owner Esther Tognozzi said: “I tried to talk her out of it, but she said, ‘No I absolutely want it shaved off now.’

  With no other option left but crazy, she grabs the clippers and does it herself.

  

  Upon word of this action, the sound of “Yee-Haw!” emanates from the White House. Within the next twelve hours, the war in Iraq will be officially bumped off the front page in favor of more celebrity news. God bless Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears.
  
  

  “Afterwards she looked in the mirror and said with tears in her eyes, ‘Oh, my God, I shaved it all off. My mom is going to be so upset with me.’” Esther said Britney, who was accompanied by two minders, seemed dazed and distant. She added: “She was just there in body and not really emotionally there.”

  From there, Britney leaves the salon looking like a confused Jewish skinhead. Unfortunately, she does not kick her own ass.

  

  Forty minutes later, Britney arrives at the Body and Soul tattoo parlor and rushes inside to get a set of pink lips on her wrist and a black, white, and pink cross on her lower hip.

  

  She is not the perfect subject.
  
  

  Workers said Britney was “screaming and flipping out from the pain”.

  Emily Wynne-Hughes, who was in the tattoo shop, said: “After she left, we said to each other, ‘We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’

  Greek Chorus’ Note: On the verge of a nervous breakdown? How about knee-deep in the middle of one.

  Act III: The Devastation

  At around 2 A.M. early Saturday morning, Britney shows up at the Cedars Sinai Medical Centre in Beverly Hills wearing a dark wig and apparently asking for help.

  From The Sun:
  
  

  Sources said she was with a pal and seemed “disturbed”.

  Always one to oblige, the staff takes her to a private room where they proceed to kick the shit out of her for being a whiny, self-indulgent dumbass with way too much money and not enough brains*

  *Speculative but probable

  She leaves an hour later, but not before at least three people in desperate need of medical attention die while waiting in the lobby.*

  *Again, speculative but probable

  Greek Chorus’ Note: Maybe it’s time Britney tried a few “centers” for help instead of “centres”.

  Act IV: Idiot’s Delight

  After avoiding the public eye for almost as long as she was in rehab, Britney spends her Sunday night hitting some nightclubs on the Sunset Strip. She looks like Rhoda’s mom.

  

  From This is London:
  
  

  Another whirl of nightclubs, this time the Roxy and Polo Lounge on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip, did little to allay fears that Miss Spears is spiralling rapidly towards a nervous breakdown.

  She stormed out of the first after 45 minutes when the DJ at the karaoke-themed night started playing her first hit Hit Me Baby One More Time in her honour.

  Special Greek Chorus’ Note to Britney Spears: Bullets are cheap.

  Source: [People] & [The Sun] & [This is London

   

  Today’s Papers

  Deadly Coordination
  By Daniel Politi
  Posted Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2007, at 5:42 AM E.T.

  The New York Times and Los Angeles Times lead with yesterday’s coordinated attack by Sunni insurgents on a recently opened American combat outpost north of Baghdad that killed two American soldiers and wounded 17. (The Washington Post stuffs the story and says three U.S. soldiers were killed.) Everybody mentions, but the LAT emphasizes, this attack could be a sign of things to come as the new security crackdown takes shape and more U.S. troops are sent to small and vulnerable posts in dangerous neighborhoods. The Wall Street Journal tops its world-wide newsbox with an Iraq roundup that goes high with the attack.

  USA Today leads with word that law enforcement agencies across the United States are “upgrading” their weapons to be better prepared for what many see as an increased number of people who have powerful arms at their disposal. Several departments are either increasing the number of weapons or giving their officers military-style arms to deal with the problem. Some say civilians have been able to get the more powerful arms more easily since a ban on several assault weapons expired in 2004. The WP leads with news that Walter Reed Army Medical Center has begun repairs on Building 18, which houses patients recovering from war wounds. In a two-part series, the paper shone an often-disturbing light on the deplorable conditions many injured service members have had to endure. Officials pretty much admit they took action because of the Post‘s stories.

  The attack involved at least one car bomb, which was followed by insurgents firing on the outpost from various directions. Although U.S. outposts are frequently attacked from a distance, yesterday’s coordinated frontal attack could be seen as a shift toward more-aggressive tactics. Meanwhile, attacks continued on Shiite civilians and Iraqi security forces. After yesterday’s papers mentioned there had been a decrease in the number of bodies found around Baghdad, at least 20 were discovered yesterday.

  The NYT and LAT report the U.S. military announced the death of four more troops since Saturday. The WP has a higher number and says the military said seven service members were killed in “recent days.”

  In their stories about the attack, the papers also mention that a woman went on Al Jazeera and said she had been kidnapped and raped by members of the Iraqi National Police. The WP says that although the prime minister’s office at first announced there would be an investigation, hours later it issued a statement saying the claims were unfounded. The NYT mentions it’s rare for victims of rape to come forward in Muslim countries.

  The NYT and WP front the announcement by U.S. satellite radio companies that they are planning to merge. Sirius and XM have spent millions of dollars trying to get people to pay for radio, while facing billions of dollars in losses. The merger would have to get approval from the Justice Department and the Federal Communications Commission. Although there are obviously concerns that letting the two unite would create a monopoly, the companies will argue they face plenty of competition for the public’s ears with MP3 players, Internet radio, and mobile phones.

  The papers mention that little came of the American-sponsored meeting between Israeli and Palestinian leaders yesterday beyond a promise of more talks. Regardless, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called it a “useful and productive meeting.”

  Adding another chapter to the controversies surrounding Walter Reed, the Post fronts word that the hospital launched an investigation into the man who was in charge of helping match needy wounded soldiers with donors. Some allege that Michael J. Wagner inappropriately used his position to solicit funds for his own new charity. Wagner resigned last month to work full time on his Military, Veteran and Family Assistance Foundation. Officials started their investigation after the Post began asking questions.

  The WSJ fronts a look at how oil-rich Iran may start rationing gasoline to its own citizens as increased local consumption threatens to disrupt the country’s exports. Western sanctions and the country’s policies have led to little foreign investment on developing oil fields, which means production is stagnant and the paper says Iran’s oil exports could “dry up in as little as a decade.” The paper also mentions several oil-rich countries are seeing a large increase in local demand for gasoline, which could bring them problems, and raise prices, down the road.

  The NYT fronts a look at what the Libby trial has revealed about the way Vice President Cheney was given wide latitude to work independently and pursue his own interests. Among other revelations, the trial has shown how Cheney and Libby used classified intelligence data for their own purposes, and it has raised questions as to whether the vice president, “known as a consummate inside player, operated as effectively as his reputation would hold.” Meanwhile, the WP goes inside with its own look at the vice president and says Cheney’s influence within the White House has been in steady decline ever since the beginning of Bush’s second term.

  Say it ain’t so! The NYT examines the American Idol phenomenon and says the show has gone against all television conventional wisdom by actually seeing an increase in ratings, even though it’s currently in its sixth season. To put the ratings in perspective, the program “could lose half its audience and still rank among the top 10 shows on television.” Meanwhile, other networks are forced to switch their programs around to not compete with what the chief scheduler for CBS called “the ultimate schoolyard bully.” Jeff Zucker, the new chief executive of NBC Universal, gives the most depressing assessment: “I think Idol is the most impactful show in the history of television.”

  Daniel Politi writes “Today’s Papers” for Slate. He can be reached at todayspapers@slate.c

   

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